WASHINGTON, D.C. — Attorney General Barr is not done exonerating President Donald Trump based on the highly-anticipated report from FBI Special Counsel Robert Mueller.
“This morning, I had the time to quickly scan, like I did last time, the full report from Special Counsel Robert Mueller, and while I cannot and never will show you the actual text from the report that I say I base this on, I am pleased to announce it exonerates the president for something else,” Barr announced in front of the Department of Justice today. “Mueller’s report has exonerated Trump for lying about Mexico paying for his wall at the southern border.”
Offering very few further details, Barr repeatedly said, “Trust me” and asked rhetorically, “Would I lie?” for approximately twenty-five or thirty seconds.
“I didn’t even know that Mueller was investigating that part of it, but hey, we’ll take a win anywhere we can get,” Barr admitted. “I mean, you know, I’m independent and my duty is the Constitution, but the word ‘president’ is in the Constitution, so that pretty much means I have to treat him like a king and find ways to put him above reproach and accountability, you see.”
Attorney General Barr said that even though he couldn’t actually show anyone the Mueller report, the entire country can trust him at his word.
“It’s like I said during the Iran Contra affair, president’s simply can’t break the law anyway, because in America, presidents are pretty much like Gods since, you know, we’re a Christian nation, and there’s one good, clean, ammo hoarding, American Christian God in the universe,” Barr said. “And if you could trust me during one lying Republican administration, why can’t you trust me during this one? Exactly. You have to. No. Really, you have to. Don’s working on an executive order that says you have to believe me like you believe him right now. Gonna sign it real soon.”
Mr. Barr proclaimed that “anyone with half a brain” knows that Trump never meant that Mexico would actually pay for the wall that he repeatedly insisted Mexico would pay for.
“Look, if Donald Trump tells you the sky is blue, are you going to believe it, or go check for yourself, know what I mean? He’s a liar, so you can’t trust anything he…Wait, hang on,” Barr wandered off for a few minutes and came back. “Sorry, I had to get some things straight in my head. Hard to keep all the lies and stuff straight, know what I mean?”
Before ending the brief press conference, Barr announced a few more things he’d be exonerating Trump, and others for, based on the Mueller report.
“Uh, I’d also like to say that the Mueller report also absolves the president of all the times he didn’t pay his bills, bilked cancer kids out of money, used cash from his inauguration illegally, dodged his taxes for his entire lifetime, and generally all the white collar crookery that’s already been exposed,” Barr said. “It does not exonerate him from saying gross sexual stuff about his daughter though. For some reason, even after I gave him the chance to deny it, he said he’s really proud of that one, so he wants it to stay. Anyway, all of that other stuff? Mueller said he’s cool with it, so you know, get over it, libs, or whatever nonpartisan bullshit you want me to say.”
This is a developing story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.