First Lady Ivanka Trump Inks Deal for Next Book: “Riding Your Dad to Success”

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Nepotism Publishers has announced that they have signed a $10 million deal with Ivanka Trump to print her next book which has been given the title, “Riding Your Dad to Success.” At a press conference announcing the deal, the First Lady gave some preliminary details on the books, which she said she hopes will “inspire women all over the world to hop on their dads and ride them to success, fame, and glory,” as she has done.

“My daddy has taught me everything I know, bigly,” Ms. Trump said to reporters, “and I think having a daddy like my daddy has been a major part of my success. He’s always had no problem with me riding his coattails, or anything else of his, and I have most definitely leveraged his special — very unique and special — bond with me. And this is something any woman with a super-rich daddy can do!”

Ms. Trump said that since the advice in her book is very basic, readers of all levels should be able to understand and grasp its concepts.

“Even the people who voted for Daddy should be able to comprehend this book,” Trump said, “and just to be sure I only used second grade level words. I had to anyway, because that way Daddy could understand it and sign off on it. I don’t do anything unless Daddy tells me to. That’s actually Chapter Three in my book, by the way, Doing Exactly as Daddy Says, Even If It Makes You Feel Kinda Icky At First.”

MORE: White House Tiff? Eric Tells Ivanka, ‘You Might Sleep With Dad, But You’re Not My Mom!’

The book is expected to come in at just over forty-five pages, will have a retail price of $400, and will be available from Amazon as well as in the White House foyer.

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“Daddy said I can set up a little book stand there,” Ivanka said, “just like when I was a little girl and he let me put my blood diamond stand in the lobby of Trump Tower. Some kids had lemonade stands, and we called them the Poors. But Daddy always made sure I was hocking the best shit, or at least that I knew where to get the knock-off shit that looks like the best shit. That’s chapter six. Daddy Knows Best How To Swindle, Cheat, and Con People Out Of Their Money Without Every Being Held Truly Accountable.”

If sales are brisk enough, Nepotism plans to ask Ivanka’s brothers Eric and Overbite Trump, Jr. to write books as well.

“We think clearly there’s a market for books written by talentless assholes who literally are only where they are today because they got lucky and were shot out of a rich asshole’s dick,” Nepotism CEO Susan Blankenship told reporters, “but we’re not sure how big that market is. We honestly don’t know how many Trump voters can read beyond the big letter ‘R’ next to a candidate’s name on a ballot. Seems to be the only thing they look for when deciding who to vote for.”

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

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