WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump ordered the Army Corps of Engineers to install a new, “all seeing, all powerful eye” on top of Trump Tower. Trump announced the all-seeing eye this morning from the Oval Office, and he says he intends for the eye to alert him if “that unhinged lunatic Bob Mueller” gets within five miles of the White House.
The eye will be constructed of “the most advanced materials Earth or Middle Earth has to offer,” Trump said, and will cost “roughly a billion dollars,” which the reality-TV star says the taxpayers will “gladly pay to keep their dear president safe.” If taxpayers balk, Trump says he can “prolly get Mexico to pay for it with some kinda package deal on the wall.”
Just before leaving the White House for his lunch break, Trump explained the reasoning behind the eye in a bit more detail.
“I won’t need no friggin’ daily intelligence briefings once this giant, flaming, all-seeing eye is installed on top of my big, beautiful building,” President Trump quipped. “And I have the added benefit of the eye seeing everything that happens in the country! So I’ll see that unhinged lunatic Bob Mueller coming a mile away!”
It wasn’t all Trump’s idea for the wall. He says he got “a little help from a comrade.”
“My good friend in, say, another country that rhymes with Mush-A,” Trump explained, “said to me that I should build the eye. And he insisted. Like really, really insisted. Hard. Everyone was speculating about that adoption meeting Junior took at Trump Tower, but I can can admit now it wasn’t about adoption. It was about the eye on top of my bigly tower.”
The eye will be designed and constructed by Sow-Ron Tech, a defense contractor that has worked with the army on several other key projects. Once designed, the army corps of engineers will be tasked with assembling and installing the eye on top of Trump Tower. The president told reporters he hopes the eye will “put to rest any security concerns” Americans might have.
“Let’s just say that there’s something I’m looking for, okay,” Trump said, “like some super powerful weapon that can give anyone who possesses it the power to rule the world. And let’s just say that weapon has been taken by little, short, fat, hairy people to where little, fat, short, hair people live…like Kentucky. Or a shire somewhere, whatever. Point is, thanks to this eye I’m having installed, I’ll be able to find that weapon as soon as someone tries to use it. Pretty smart of me to have it installed, I know. You don’t have to say it too, but go ahead, because I like to hear it.”
Though he said the plan for the eye had “near unanimical support” among his team, Trump said one of his advisers was skeptical and had to be fired.
“I really liked John Smegel,” Trump said, “but he just kept going on and on about how precious this was or precious that was. I don’t know. He was kinda creeping me out, and I have Stephen Miller and that Skeletor with Tits — sorry that’s my personal nickname for Conway — on my team.”
Reached for comment, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer questioned the need for an all-powerful eye, but said that he’d take a “wait and see” approach about it.
“As an American,” Schumer said, “I’m really nervous and upset by the idea of our president having some omnipotent eye installed at his house to spy on us. But as a Democrat, I’m not sure I’ll have the spine or gumption to do literally even the smallest thing possible about it. So…”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.