HEAVEN — God has issued a statement distancing herself from the Donald Trump presidential administration.
“Um. No. I didn’t pick that douche. But LOL to anyone who thinks I would,” God’s letter states very plainly. “I don’t pick presidents as a matter of principle and standard operating procedure. But I can assure you that a guy who doesn’t in any way, shape, or form represent even the most basic of my New Testament teachings wouldn’t even remotely come close to getting my endorsement, if I was prone to do such a thing, which, again, I am not.”
Ms. God writes that she was “compelled” to make this historic statement by Trump’s Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ claims in an interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network that God had “wanted Donald Trump to become president.” The statements made by Huckabee were so out of step with reality, God says, that she had no choice but to break with longstanding precedent and weigh in from her deified position on a matter of mortal politics.
“We do things the new school way now, but even if we were still hardcore Old Testament, can Sarah say with a straight face that her boss even follows half of the Ten Commandments,” God asked rhetorically. “The man bears false witness sixteen times before he gets out of bed in the morning. And even though I didn’t say it specifically, coveting thy son-in-law’s piece of ass isn’t very Christian or Godly either, folks.”
God states unequivocally that she doesn’t get involved in any political race.
“Is Sarah really so dumb? By her rationale, I also would have put Obama in office, too. Or does she think I gave you all Obama so you could get Trump,” God scoffs. “That’s beyond stupid. I mean, I know I’m the one who murdered every life form on Earth with a flood because I was feeling like no one was paying me enough attention, but even I know that going from Obama to Trump is like going from a BMW to getting punched in the dick and diarrhea’d in the face after you get out of a BMW.”
Even though she would not ever endorse a single candidate, God did say that she’s seen some people who fit her ideal candidate’s description.
“But he’s already been president, is over 90 years old, has beaten cancer a couple times, and is too busy building homes for the poor — you know, being a real Christian — and you all took him for granted the first time around anyway,” God writes. “But no, I wouldn’t pick the guy who is terrible to refugees when my own son was a religious refugee, for my sake!”
The White House responded by calling God “fake news” and said a suit would be filed in court shortly to declare the president acting God.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.