WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump has directed his sizable legal team to research and determine if a sitting president can be either indicted or impeached during a shutdown of the federal government.
“The president is simply wondering if he’s actually president of anything during a government shutdown,” White House Deputy Jr. Media Secretary Tom Thompaulsen told reporters in the White House this morning. “No one should, like, read anything into this, okay? We’re just asking for…a friend…who has orange skin. And probably committed crimes ranging from tax fraud to treason and may be indicted or impeached for them.”
Thompaulsen paused, realizing what he’d just said.
“But again, to reiterate, the president is simply asking routine, hypothetical questions that every president asks when they’ve spent literally every moment of their presidency under federal investigation,” Thompaulsen said. “This is just all so very blase, isn’t it? What president that was helped into the Oval Office by a hostile foreign government wasn’t also under heavy scrutiny and suspicion for being an agent of that very same government? Ho-hum, fam. Ho-hum.”
The federal government has entered its fourth week of being in a state of partial shutdown. This is now the longest running such shutdown. Last year, Trump also oversaw a government shutdown around the same time. Despite telling both House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer that he would “gladly” take the blame for this shutdown before it started, over the last four weeks, Trump has become increasingly more combative with the Democrats, and has begun simply pegging the entirety of the blame on them.
Recent polling, however, shows that Trump is taking the overwhelming majority of the blame for his refusal to budge on over $5 billion in additional funding for a southern border wall. Trump ran his 2016 campaign largely on a promise to build a wall and force Mexico to pay for it. However, despite saying that a newly renegotiated trade deal with Mexico would offset the costs, the way trade deals actually work for people not buried inside Larry Laffer’s cornhole means that argument really doesn’t make much logical sense. Thompaulsen says the “fake news” is “too obsessed” with who cut the physical check for the wall.
“Look, does it really matter if Mexico pays for it, or if we pay for it? The point is someone will pay for it,” Thompaulsen said, “and besides, if we just write ‘From Mexico’ on our tax payment checks, then pretty much that is like Mexico paying for it, right? Right? RIGHT?!”
President Trump was stopped on his way back into the White House after his doughnuts and fried chicken run. Reporters asked him how long the shutdown will last.
“Well, that all depends. It depends on the Democrats,” Trump shouted at the reporters. “And of course I mean the 14.5 trillion Angry Democrats on Bob Mueller’s investigation. If they can’t indict me, and if Congress can’t impeach me during the shutdown, that would make this shutdown last bigly indefinitely, fam.”
Donald Trump was elected to the presidency and lost the popular vote by historic margins. His approval ratings have never gone above 50% a single time during his tenure.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.