Donald Trump Lists ‘F**king Your Mom’ as Only New Year’s Resolution

Donald Trump has a very short, not so sweet list of New Year's resolutions.

WASHINGTON, D.C.  — With the government still in a shut down state over funding for his border wall, President Donald Trump turned his important attention to an issue of immense national security — his New Year’s Resolutions — or in his case — a singular resolution.

“Like all winners,” Trump said in the Oval Office this morning, “I know that keeping things short, sweet, and concise is the only way to win. Also, as a winner, I know that sophomoric insults, xenophobic tirades, and tantrums about how law enforcement works are very presidentish. And with that in mind, I have here a very simple list of resolutions for myself in the new year. Very short, this list. So short, even a Republican could memorize it.”

Unfolding the list, Trump turned it around and showed the reporters gathered there that it contained just one resolution. It was written in bright red crayon in very large letters. Trump said that “crayons are for winners because you can use any number of a yooge assortment of colors” and he said “when you’re making resolutions, you gotta make the ones you can accomplish, even if it means you gotta have a less-yooge list of resolutions.”

“This year, I plan to accomplish one, single goal,” Mr. Trump said with satisfaction in his voice.

A reporter asked if Trump’s single resolution was to win the presidential election in November, and shrugged his shoulders.

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“What? No,” the president said emphatically. “What kind of fake news 12 million Angry Democrat question is that? My resolution is to fuck your mother. See, look?”

Trump passed the paper around so every reporter could verify that on top of the list, entitled “Donny’s Yoogest Year,” was a big numeral “1” and next to it was written very simply, “Fucking your mom.” Reporters asked Trump if there was one person’s mom in particular that the resolution applied to, and Trump nodded.

“Well,frankly I think it should apply to everyone because as president it’s in the Constal-too-shin that I get to bang whoever I want whenever I want,” Trump said. “I think it was Johnny Jefferson, my favorite Founding Father, that put that part in. But this list in particular I plan to personally hand deliver to Jared’s children.”

More Satire:

Individual-1 Sent Urgent Message To David Dennison, John Barron, Donald Trump, and President of Puerto Rico


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

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